Sunday, April 25, 2010
Story of my life...
"There's the reluctance to soil white clean paper with imperfections. This is the curse of vanity, I know." Jack Kerouac, November 17 1947 journal excerpt
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Rocky Road to Waking Up Hopeful
I sometimes find myself plagued with the If-I-Only-Knew-Then bug when I think of college. For example, if I only knew then that settling for a major that's broad, boring, and easy wasn't the answer I certainly wouldn't have chosen it (duh). I chose it though, because it was broad and I felt it would allow me a wider range of jobs when the hunt began. It was easy enough (and held my attention enough) and I knew I could graduate within four years and save myself the misery of more significant loan payments had I stayed an extra year or two. Practical? I suppose. But this kind of thinking isn't what I was raised on. I was brought up to believe you screw the money and chase your dreams. Instead, I caved and studied things like Organizational Communication i.e. how communication flows in the workplace most effectively; downward, upward, and grapevine were key vocab. I did reports on how companies can best avoid disgruntled employees and keep the peace in the office. I learned the art of interviewing.
Looking back, out of all the classes I took, there were only two that I truly enjoyed (and neither of them had anything to do with organizational training). The first was a freshman course, The History of Rhetoric: Greeks and Romans. Most students hated the class but I loved it! The forward thinkers and fathers of speech and philosophy, who were passionate and outspoken (sometimes to a fault) and who, long past their lifetimes, still managed to stir something inside me (a timid first-generation college freshman). This was the communication that I wanted to study! Turns out, much to my dismay, it was the only course of its kind in the communication field. Yet I still persisted...
The only other course I enjoyed was Dialogical Communication and Relationships, my senior year. We studied the theories of the "Love Doctor" Buscaglia and often sat around in a circle and just talked about who we were. I know, it sounds cheesy, but it was more relaxing and fun than anything. I wouldn't call it a blow off class, but it sure felt like one, considering the assignments weren't very challenging and the material was fun. I don't even know that the course was helpful in any way for the major, but it helped me to have a class to look forward to.
I put a lot of stock into my college experience. I expected to be completely transformed from a shy, timid, confused girl to a full-out independent, outspoken, ambitious, take-the-world-by-storm woman. All this in four years? It was a lot to anticipate, but I think the place was all wrong for it and I settled. It would be ridiculous to blame the university or students for my discontent, but essentially that's what I was doing. I am, now, grateful that I went to school at a place that was as welcoming and familiar as Stevens Point. I wasn't taken on a rocky journey to get my bearings of the place (it was the furthest from a big city). So rather than an uproarious transformation, I had a quiet awakening and understanding of the person in me that I wanted to let shine. I just couldn't find a place for her where I was.
I regret not taking more chances in college. There, I said it. I so badly want to say that I took my four years and stuffed as much into them as I could, that I beat the life out of them with adventure and fun. The reality, however, is that I spent the majority of my time bored with my classes and resentful of the small, conservative place I felt stuck in. Lots of disgruntled calls to home were made and the possibility of leaving loomed. But I knew I would have felt like a failure if I left and so I did the worst thing possible: I endured. I became the kind of person I can't stand to be around. And that, more than leaving, was the biggest failure.
New beginnings awaited me in Madison. I was so excited to be a part of a bigger, independent, bustling city (the complete opposite of Stevens Point). This is the place where I could let the ideas and ambitions I had run around. It's no Milwaukee or NYC, but Madison has the activity that I craved with the close, hometown feel that I love.
I think what college afforded me was the opportunity to see the kind of person I didn't want to be. I was at rock bottom and after graduation I had a new chance to climb back up again. These days I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. I finally feel like the independent, ambitious person I wanted to be. I know what moves me (writing, music, art, being surrounded by good people and friends) and where I thrive. I still struggle with the courage to see my ambitions through, but that's no easy or quick thing. I realize now that anything worth doing (anything needing to be done) requires a little less thought and lot more blind faith and action.
Looking back, out of all the classes I took, there were only two that I truly enjoyed (and neither of them had anything to do with organizational training). The first was a freshman course, The History of Rhetoric: Greeks and Romans. Most students hated the class but I loved it! The forward thinkers and fathers of speech and philosophy, who were passionate and outspoken (sometimes to a fault) and who, long past their lifetimes, still managed to stir something inside me (a timid first-generation college freshman). This was the communication that I wanted to study! Turns out, much to my dismay, it was the only course of its kind in the communication field. Yet I still persisted...
The only other course I enjoyed was Dialogical Communication and Relationships, my senior year. We studied the theories of the "Love Doctor" Buscaglia and often sat around in a circle and just talked about who we were. I know, it sounds cheesy, but it was more relaxing and fun than anything. I wouldn't call it a blow off class, but it sure felt like one, considering the assignments weren't very challenging and the material was fun. I don't even know that the course was helpful in any way for the major, but it helped me to have a class to look forward to.
I put a lot of stock into my college experience. I expected to be completely transformed from a shy, timid, confused girl to a full-out independent, outspoken, ambitious, take-the-world-by-storm woman. All this in four years? It was a lot to anticipate, but I think the place was all wrong for it and I settled. It would be ridiculous to blame the university or students for my discontent, but essentially that's what I was doing. I am, now, grateful that I went to school at a place that was as welcoming and familiar as Stevens Point. I wasn't taken on a rocky journey to get my bearings of the place (it was the furthest from a big city). So rather than an uproarious transformation, I had a quiet awakening and understanding of the person in me that I wanted to let shine. I just couldn't find a place for her where I was.
I regret not taking more chances in college. There, I said it. I so badly want to say that I took my four years and stuffed as much into them as I could, that I beat the life out of them with adventure and fun. The reality, however, is that I spent the majority of my time bored with my classes and resentful of the small, conservative place I felt stuck in. Lots of disgruntled calls to home were made and the possibility of leaving loomed. But I knew I would have felt like a failure if I left and so I did the worst thing possible: I endured. I became the kind of person I can't stand to be around. And that, more than leaving, was the biggest failure.
New beginnings awaited me in Madison. I was so excited to be a part of a bigger, independent, bustling city (the complete opposite of Stevens Point). This is the place where I could let the ideas and ambitions I had run around. It's no Milwaukee or NYC, but Madison has the activity that I craved with the close, hometown feel that I love.
I think what college afforded me was the opportunity to see the kind of person I didn't want to be. I was at rock bottom and after graduation I had a new chance to climb back up again. These days I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. I finally feel like the independent, ambitious person I wanted to be. I know what moves me (writing, music, art, being surrounded by good people and friends) and where I thrive. I still struggle with the courage to see my ambitions through, but that's no easy or quick thing. I realize now that anything worth doing (anything needing to be done) requires a little less thought and lot more blind faith and action.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
R.I.F.
Remember this reading program from back in the day?? Reading Is Fundamental! Fill up your pin and get a free pizza from Pizza Hut! haha I love sharing what books I've been reading, and I see from my last post that I neglected to do that! So here is one completely dedicated to it:
I just finished reading this juicy, entertaining book and want to go back and read it all over again! I tell people it's similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert sans the spirituality. It's a memoir of a woman who goes through a divorce and decides to travel to Italy where she meets a charming Parisian professor. They end up having a whirlwind affair (he's married with kids) over the next couple of years, traveling to exotic places to be with each other. Like I said, quite entertaining!
When I Was Cool by Sam Kashner
I couldn't find a decent sized picture, sorry. Another memoir (I'm a sucker for 'em!) about a guy who attends the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics. I've just started this one and it's proving to be very interesting. As odd as some of his stories are, they are equally engrossing. He's living amongst the infamous Beats (sans Kerouac) at the beginning of the end of their fame. An apprentice to Allen Gingsberg, the author attends many of his dinner parties with other Beat giants, given assignments to finish some of Gingsberg's erotic, gay poems, and type for Burroughs who cut off his left pinky finger in rage over a past cheating lover and, therefore, can't type well (turns out, neither can the author!). It's bizarre but I'm loving it so far!
A novel about an extraordinary man, Max, who, after a near-death experience at 15, encounters 12 strangers who change his life and inspire readers. It's set up in the year 2012 when the world, as many believe, will end. I'm, again, just at the start of this one. I love the authors style, it's like an intelligent fairy tale and makes it a fun read. I'm anxious to find out what happens!
This book was a birthday gift from my family and I love it! The letters are incredibly romantic and sad. I'm just starting Keats' poems and hope to be equally touched. There's nothing more satisfying than a beautifully constructed poem! (wow, I am such a nerd!)
Just for fun! :)
(My buttons looked way cooler than this one, but it was the only picture I could find, haha)
I just finished reading this juicy, entertaining book and want to go back and read it all over again! I tell people it's similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert sans the spirituality. It's a memoir of a woman who goes through a divorce and decides to travel to Italy where she meets a charming Parisian professor. They end up having a whirlwind affair (he's married with kids) over the next couple of years, traveling to exotic places to be with each other. Like I said, quite entertaining!
When I Was Cool by Sam Kashner
I couldn't find a decent sized picture, sorry. Another memoir (I'm a sucker for 'em!) about a guy who attends the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics. I've just started this one and it's proving to be very interesting. As odd as some of his stories are, they are equally engrossing. He's living amongst the infamous Beats (sans Kerouac) at the beginning of the end of their fame. An apprentice to Allen Gingsberg, the author attends many of his dinner parties with other Beat giants, given assignments to finish some of Gingsberg's erotic, gay poems, and type for Burroughs who cut off his left pinky finger in rage over a past cheating lover and, therefore, can't type well (turns out, neither can the author!). It's bizarre but I'm loving it so far!
A novel about an extraordinary man, Max, who, after a near-death experience at 15, encounters 12 strangers who change his life and inspire readers. It's set up in the year 2012 when the world, as many believe, will end. I'm, again, just at the start of this one. I love the authors style, it's like an intelligent fairy tale and makes it a fun read. I'm anxious to find out what happens!
This book was a birthday gift from my family and I love it! The letters are incredibly romantic and sad. I'm just starting Keats' poems and hope to be equally touched. There's nothing more satisfying than a beautifully constructed poem! (wow, I am such a nerd!)
Just for fun! :)
(My buttons looked way cooler than this one, but it was the only picture I could find, haha)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
